'It takes a certain ballsiness to go to a bar alone if you’re a woman'

At least it does according to this blog post which was published a year ago. Yes, that's right - in 2013. Until I began writing this post I had no idea that a person (male or female) going for a drink by themselves was such a big deal. But there are hundreds of websites, blogs and forum posts, where people ask for and give advice on the topic. But what is even more surprising to me is that the old-fashioned concept that 'women shouldn't go to pubs or bars by themselves and if they do it means they are only there for one reason*' is still being voiced today by women.

I started drinking pints of beer in pubs when I was 15. From the age when I was legally allowed to buy myself an alcoholic drink in pubs I've felt perfectly within my rights to go and have a drink by myself occasionally. Of course I've experienced the shocked glances of old-fashioned men many times. But it's never stopped me from taking part in what I consider to be a completely normal activity. However, if women insist on exercising their right to go for a drink by themselves, there's one recurring problem they'll probably have to face.

At the time this Boak and Bailey post was published I’d been thinking about a recent experience I'd had while drinking alone and was intending to write a post of my own. That was two months ago and it’s been at the back of my mind ever since. The main reason I’ve not sat down to write this until now is that the #notallmen, #yesallwomen debate has been occupying my mind instead. Yes, ultimately, it's the same discussion, but it pushed this post further down my list of priorities. 

So what happened to me back in April? Well, being at a loose end on the evening of April 17^th I decided to drop into BrewDog Shepherds Bush for the Kernel tap takeover. I went alone and hadn’t arranged to meet anyone there. I thought I would arrive early, grab some food, try a few different beers and head home before it even got busy. I’d taken some work with me in case I got bored of people-watching. 

Less than five minutes after I sat down at a table by the door, a guy leaned over the back of the opposite side of my booth and said, ‘Hey! I LOVE YOUR TATTOOS! They're awesome.’ I said thank you and smiled politely whilst doing nothing to invite him to hang around. So he stood there swaying slightly, staring intently at me while I continued reading something on my phone. As he wandered away to bother someone at another table, I realised he was, to put it generously, a bit tipsy. I watched him with my peripheral vision for the next ten minutes or so as he roamed around the bar approaching different tables and receiving varying reactions. Now, clearly, some people will not feel threatened by having a drunken stranger who wants to engage with them arrive at their table. I’m sure that some people will even feel that it counts as a kind of free entertainment.

For my part I strongly dislike being around people who are drunk and unpredictable, more so when I am out on my own. It makes me feel on edge and I can’t relax – pretty much the opposite of the experience I want when I go for a beer. So while this guy did the rounds of other patrons I sat there awaiting his inevitable return.  Eventually he leaned over into my booth again and said, ‘Hey! Where’s your boyfriend? Is he here now?’ 

Ok, so obviously what I wanted to say in response to this was: ‘what has my boyfriend got to do with anything? I’ve just come out by myself for a couple of beers and I don’t want to be pestered by an annoying drunk.’ However, what I didn’t want to do was i) engage in any further discussion, ii) get involved in an argument, or iii) be seen as some kind of challenge to be won over. I just wanted to shut down the conversation as quickly and definitively as possible. The best way I could see to do that was to say: ‘He’s not here at the moment, but he’s on his way.’ (Add polite smile.  Return to what I was doing. Do not engage.) He wanders away again and the next thing I see him doing is asking a table of young men ‘do you want to see a magic trick?’ while picking up a metal bar stool and holding it over his head. I think at that point one of the staff came over to speak to him. I was busy avoiding eye contact. Finally Drunk Guy collects his bicycle from somewhere inside the bar and wheels it out. He stops at the door to tell me, ‘If he doesn’t turn up, I’ll take you out, alright?’

After he left and I was able to relax the place started to fill up. Two older men came and asked if they could sit at my table while they had a quick couple of drinks. One of them was Irish and in mourning for the loss of the O’Neill’s across the road. He managed to force down his Kernel beers but all he really wanted was a pint of Guinness. He asked his friend if he thought that this bar would be open long; if people really wanted this kind of thing here.

Shortly after they left a young man came and asked to sit at my table and did not attempt to strike up any kind of conversation beyond a (mutual) request to ‘please mind my jacket while I go to the toilet?’ Later on some friends of his turned up and asked to sit at the table. I got into a discussion with one of the women about gin tasting events and what kind of beers a non-beer drinker might try from the Kernel tap takeover beer list.

You see? Talking to strangers in pubs is completely fine. Being bothered by drunks who ask where my boyfriend is not fine.  Pretty simple really. No need for any of this: ‘oh, you can’t even approach a stranger and talk to them these days or you get accused of harassment! Oh, let's all just NEVER talk to anyone we don't know while we're out just in case we 'offend' them!’ nonsense. Some of the people who come out with this stuff have got to be trolling and the rest must just be poorly socialised and/or disturbingly bad at reading obvious social cues.

Of course making a polite approach to a stranger in a pub is fine! Just respect that person's right to NOT interact with you if they don’t feel like it. The End.

When Boak and Bailey asked for opinions on Twitter about how women felt about visiting pubs alone I was saddened (but not really surprised) by some of the responses. The idea that in 2014 a woman would still feel too nervous to enter a pub by herself makes me sad and angry, but mostly it just makes me want to do it all the more.

*shockingly that reason is not 'to drink beer'

(Post is by Emma - some readers wanted us to clarify who is writing which blog posts)